1
00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:07,041
Max, guess what han's doing
at the counter?

2
00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:10,678
Well, I know it's not
towering over it.

3
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,681
He's creating signature drinks
for the diner.

4
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:18,252
I suggested any household poison
over shaved ice.

5
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,521
Han, this is a stupid idea.

6
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:21,555
It was Earl's.

7
00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:24,325
Then it's genius.

8
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:29,463
Yep, I've been drinking
all afternoon for free.

9
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:32,066
Now, I've used only
top shelf liquor.

10
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:36,170
Question: Who got it down
for you?

11
00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:39,207
First up: "The Max".
It's just whiskey.

12
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:43,311
On the rocks, like Max's job.

13
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:47,248
Whatever mine is,
i want my rim salted.

14
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,586
Of course you do.

15
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,423
Earl's is an old fashioned
with everything.

16
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,458
Pour me another me.

17
00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:01,595
I hate to say it,
but I go down easy.

18
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:05,599
"The Caroline" is lemon schnapps
in a slightly frosty glass.

19
00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:07,835
Because of my cool,
grace Kelly kind of demeanor?

20
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:09,670
No, because they had a sale
on lemon schnapps

21
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:12,640
at beverage barn

22
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,743
oh, they don't card there?

23
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,711
Okay, so what's "the han"?

24
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:20,781
A no sex on the beach?

25
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,484
Mine is a classic Martini,
shaken.

26
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,619
Oh, like the first woman
who saw you naked.

27
00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:31,459
Correction.

28
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,695
Will see you naked.

29
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,465
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

30
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,732
[cash register bell dings]

31
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:42,370
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

32
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:49,619
Max, guess what happened
when you were running

33
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,413
to the bathroom real quick,
for two hours.

34
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,690
You worked the cupcake window
while I went

35
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,884
to see the statue of Liberty.

36
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,886
Her head was being renovated.

37
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:02,256
Everybody in this town
is getting work done.

38
00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:04,258
I sold our last cupcake tee!

39
00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:05,802
We've sold out more than
Robert De Niro

40
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:09,230
in the last 20 years
of his career.

41
00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:13,501
Well, analyze this, focker.

42
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,636
I noticed we were running low
last week,

43
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:18,372
so I ordered more.

44
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:20,441
How did I not notice
those sooner?

45
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,386
Oh, probably because
the last time I looked in there,

46
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:26,647
there was a rat having sex
with a cockroach.

47
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,250
You know, they're still dating.

48
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,819
Really? I thought
it was a one time thing.

49
00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:36,657
Well, I guess once you go
rat, you never go back.

50
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,193
Thanks for ordering these,
I've just been so busy

51
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,528
with Sophie's wedding shower.

52
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:41,671
Yeah, why are you working
so hard?

53
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,264
It's not a big deal.

54
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,466
I threw my mother a shower once.

55
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,269
No wait, I threw her
in a shower once.

56
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,671
Max, you really need to start
making more of a fuss.

57
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,440
It's for Sophie,
it means a lot to her,

58
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:54,742
and she has a gun.

59
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,545
Well, showers are stupid
girl things

60
00:02:57,578 --> 00:03:01,582
that this guy wants no part of.

61
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,918
Hey, girls!

62
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:08,822
Look. I'm advertising
your cupcake business.

63
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:12,660
You're advertising something,
but it's not our cupcakes.

64
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,862
I gave out free t-shirts
to our building.

65
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,997
I left one by everyone's door.

66
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,433
Two at Sophie's,
16 at the Sanchez's.

67
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:22,870
So about six of the kids
will have to share.

68
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,906
Interesting. Now our shirts
are available at both Rodney,

69
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,841
the high-end Manhattan
boutique,

70
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,610
and an apartment
building that always smells

71
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,646
a little like gasoline.

72
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:36,317
Well, please stop talking about
things that aren't me.

73
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:40,921
Now girls, did you get the cake

74
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,324
for my wedding shower tomorrow?

75
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:45,526
Oh, was I supposed
to make a cake?

76
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,528
I've literally done
nothing for this shower.

77
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,898
I haven't even taken a bath.

78
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,767
Oh, no, I'm not getting my cake
from here.

79
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:56,036
No, this is my bridal shower.

80
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,006
Yeah, I want to get something
classic from baskin Robbins

81
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:02,876
that's also a dunkin' donuts.

82
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,346
They mix those two now?

83
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:08,982
It's a stoner's dream come true.

84
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,718
I tried to make our apartment
look nice.

85
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,886
I even moved a chair
to cover a stain,

86
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,389
but what was under the chair
was so much worse.

87
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,992
I guess what I'm saying is,
please don't shoot us.

88
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:22,029
Well, I don't expect it
to look that good.

89
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:25,633
I mean, you can't put
a silk hat on a pig.

90
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,936
And I know, 'cause I tried once.

91
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,077
[Gags]

92
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:45,952
[Gags]

93
00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:52,493
Max! Oh, my god!
What have you done?

94
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:55,929
I realized I don't like
a strawberry center.

95
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:59,633
And I am not going to beat
myself up about it.

96
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,969
When I told you
to get crepe paper streamers

97
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:05,906
and decorate for the shower,
i meant with pink, not black.

98
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,775
It's a wedding shower
for Sophie,

99
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:11,779
not a baby shower
for Rosemary's baby.

100
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,848
What? I told you,
i don't do girl things.

101
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:19,387
Like hang pink
or sit when I pee.

102
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:24,992
Which, coincidentally,
i refer to as "hanging pink."

103
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,395
My god, what is that smell?

104
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,463
Something's really gone
bad here.

105
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,899
Besides our lives.

106
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,601
It's the Polish food.

107
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:37,004
I think one of those sausages
is made of old flip-flops.

108
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,005
[Knock at door]

109
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,140
Someone's here already?

110
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,775
Are Polish people always early?

111
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:47,515
Is that a stereotype
i don't know about?

112
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:51,952
Oh my god!

113
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:55,088
A wedding shower for me?

114
00:05:55,122 --> 00:06:00,428
I mean, if I had known,
i would have dressed!

115
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,095
Sophie, you did know.

116
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:05,666
I know. I came down early
to practice some entrances.

117
00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:10,704
Now get ready for entrance
number two.

118
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:15,476
Are you ever ready
for entrance number two?

119
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,611
[Knock at door]

120
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:21,749
Who is it?

121
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:24,752
[Fakes weeping]

122
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,887
Oh my god!

123
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,490
I can't believe it.

124
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:33,494
Oh, it's the day
of my wedding shower.

125
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:38,766
Could anything be
more wonderful?

126
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,000
I was moved, i was surprised.

127
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,569
I liked it better than the book.

128
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:44,037
Now, come on in here
and identify some of this

129
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:47,508
Polish food so I can know
what I'm not eating tonight.

130
00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:49,910
Oh, no.
I'm not eating at my shower.

131
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,979
I'm pretending
i have an eating disorder

132
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:57,150
so everyone will think
that I have it all.

133
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,652
I think you're going to be
happy.

134
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,454
I have lots of fun shower games,

135
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:03,090
starting with "who knows
the most about Sophie?"

136
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,926
Oh, I'll win that one.

137
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:06,960
Yeah.

138
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:08,829
And Sophie's got to tinkle.

139
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:11,799
See?
I'm a shoo-in.

140
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:15,603
Yeah.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.

141
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,838
Black toilet paper.

142
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:20,708
Oh, nice touch, girls.

143
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:25,078
Yeah, I love the mystery
of not knowing when you're done.

144
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:30,684
[Knock at door]

145
00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:32,119
(Agent Drake)
FBI! Open up!

146
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,222
The FBI?
I don't think they rsvp'd.

147
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:39,092
Oh, that's got to be for me.

148
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:41,028
I didn't do it.

149
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:43,864
And just so you know,
the statute of limitations is up

150
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,600
on that Newark thing.

151
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,101
I'm not here to arrest you,
miss.

152
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,703
Great, it's me.

153
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:52,640
Max, I told you pirating movies
was a real crime.

154
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:57,044
Now I'm going to jail
for fifty shades of grey.

155
00:07:57,077 --> 00:08:00,147
Someone should.

156
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,949
I hear you,
not the Christian grey

157
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:06,687
I'd pictured.

158
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,522
I'm agent Drake with the FBI.

159
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,734
Nothing to get upset about, but
there's a man in your building

160
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,868
who's been holding
three women hostage

161
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,761
in his apartment for months.

162
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,730
Yeah, that sounds about right.

163
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,265
Now, one of the captives
escaped today

164
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:20,033
and alerted authorities.

165
00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,177
Oh, that must have been
the lady I passed

166
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:24,638
screaming in the hall.

167
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:26,540
What? There is a fine line
between "hostage"

168
00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:30,010
and "off your meds"
in this building.

169
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,120
So, a SWAT team is going in

170
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,580
for the other two
still upstairs.

171
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,657
But we need to evacuate
the building first.

172
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:35,082
So let's go.

173
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:38,185
All right, can I just put
a few things away first.

174
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,554
You know, because I want
the place to look nice

175
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:43,290
if there's going to be
police in here.

176
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,001
Look, miss, whatever drugs
you're hiding in here,

177
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,093
I couldn't care less.

178
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,061
We need to get out now.

179
00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:50,998
You know,
you're just my type of guy.

180
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:54,935
You don't mind my drug use
and you're already here.

181
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:03,276
Oh, yeah!

182
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:08,949
You girls ordered a cop stripper
for my bridal shower?

183
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:12,653
Oh, here comes
the bride all right! Yeah!

184
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:15,623
Come on.
Yeah.

185
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:19,026
Yeah, see?
Look, he likes me.

186
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,732
I cannot believe
i live in this building

187
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,267
with a man who would do
something so awful.

188
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,738
Also, cannot believe
i live in this building.

189
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,272
You know who I think it is?

190
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:35,275
Smells like cats
but has no cats.

191
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:38,879
Really? He doesn't seem
like a go-getter.

192
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:42,816
I think it's three nipples
no nose.

193
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:46,887
Three nipples no nose?
He's a delight.

194
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,089
Sophie, isn't this upsetting?

195
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,891
It sure is.

196
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:54,962
I couldn't get that stripper cop
to take his pants off.

197
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:58,866
Hey, look, there's some
of my shower guests.

198
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:00,734
Oh, look.

199
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:02,178
And see?
That one's my friend Natalya.

200
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,837
The one I told you about.

201
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:06,173
Yeah, there's all that
extra skin.

202
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,009
Ew.
You were not exaggerating.

203
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,111
She was born with all that skin.

204
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,980
She had a chip clip on her back

205
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:17,417
all through high school.

206
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,287
Yeah, I know that guy upstairs
is a real bummer,

207
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,890
but you know what would help?

208
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,726
If I could open my presents.

209
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,327
Yeah.

210
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,262
(Sophie)
Oh, no!

211
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,164
The fuzz isn't letting them
through!

212
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:32,866
Oh, come on.

213
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:35,936
No fair, they just let a guy
in here a few minutes ago.

214
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,138
Just 'cause your friends
aren't bomb-sniffing dogs,

215
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:41,408
they can't get in?
Boo!

216
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:45,813
Hey, look, ladies, pass
your presents up to the cops.

217
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:49,416
Cops, pass my presents to me.

218
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:51,218
Wait, Sophie,
before you open them,

219
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,186
I really want to write down
who got you what.

220
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:57,057
And save that pretty ribbon,
I'm gonna make you a bow hat!

221
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:58,225
Look at you.

222
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,861
Making lemonade out of a maniac

223
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,296
holding three innocent women
hostage.

224
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,132
(Sophie)
Oh, a gift card.

225
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:08,301
Oh, send it back.

226
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,970
Sophie, we would've taken that.

227
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,338
I don't know what is was for,

228
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,273
I just know that we would've
taken it.

229
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,042
No, I'm sending it back.

230
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,811
I want a gift,
not another errand.

231
00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:21,882
Oh, yeah, not in love
with the paper, but...

232
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,485
Well, I'll wait till
i open it to judge.

233
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,087
(Maria)
Hi.
Excuse me.

234
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,288
Excuse me?

235
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:31,091
I'm Maria Alonso-Gonzalez.

236
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,459
Could you ladies talk
to channel 2

237
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,494
about tonight's disturbing
discovery?

238
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,996
- No.
- Yes.

239
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,098
Just go with me
and my business savvy.

240
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:41,468
Yes, Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,
we can answer a few questions.

241
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:44,204
Were there any signs at all
that something of this nature

242
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,206
was going on in your building?

243
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,008
We jut hope they bring
this sick freak

244
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,844
in our building to justice
so that we can return to work

245
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:53,847
at Max's homemade cupcakes.

246
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,482
(Maria)
Get on the door.
Here he comes.

247
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:57,985
Who is it?
Who is this sick freak?

248
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,958
It's not me.

249
00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:07,327
Is it?

250
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,498
I'm not sure,
what are the charges?

251
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:13,867
Different sick freak.

252
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:17,404
Hey, rula, uma, Greta, look.

253
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:18,839
(Sophie)
This is him.

254
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:22,375
This is the groom-to-be.

255
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,344
Forget about the guy upstairs,

256
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:29,216
this is the real maniac
in the bedroom.

257
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,984
[Gasping]

258
00:12:31,018 --> 00:12:32,485
That's him?

259
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:35,155
Beer belly gym shorts?

260
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,957
- Never would've guessed.
- Oh, no.

261
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,292
(Caroline)
He's wearing one of our shirts.

262
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,527
Why?

263
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,763
Why? Why is he wearing
a medium?

264
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:51,171
Oh...

265
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:52,772
I mean, nobody's gonna see that.

266
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,181
(Maria)
Police have just apprehended
the suspect

267
00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:04,251
and the question on
everyone's mind is,

268
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,519
"what does Max's homemade
cupcakes

269
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:10,924
have to do with this?"

270
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,459
We have no comment.

271
00:13:12,492 --> 00:13:16,029
Or future, or deodorant.

272
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:18,531
So leave us alone!

273
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,209
How did they find out we work
in this dump,

274
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,568
next door to the other dump?

275
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,079
As I'm saying it,
i realize our career

276
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,572
is made up of two dumps.

277
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,375
Sounds like our career has been
drinking too much coffee.

278
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,544
The story is all over the paper.

279
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:34,514
They're calling those ladies
"the cupcake captives,"

280
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,549
calling that guy
"the cupcake captor,"

281
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:40,520
and calling the whole thing
"the cupcake catastrophe."

282
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,555
But you needn't worry about it
reflecting badly

283
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,192
on your cupcake business.

284
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:48,561
Oh, no. It's even
in the fashion section.

285
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,164
There's a picture
of our shirts and it says,

286
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:55,602
"what not to wear, ever."

287
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:58,038
Okay. Everybody calm down.

288
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,307
I'm mostly talking to myself.

289
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,409
The media is just going
to do its thing.

290
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,577
I've been slandered
in the headlines before.

291
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:08,348
I was called "Ponzi Princess,"
"bankrupt Barbie."

292
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,618
Looking back,
those were the best of times.

293
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:14,287
Oh, hello.
I was just about to take a tray

294
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:17,157
of Max and Carolines
out to my reporter friends.

295
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,093
Sorry, you can give those
Max and Carolines

296
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:23,363
to this Max and Caroline.

297
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,632
Hi, everybody.

298
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,600
Oh, I'm depressed.

299
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:32,239
See, you can tell 'cause
I'm only wearing half my hair.

300
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:35,308
Girls, I found this box
outside your door.

301
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:38,245
And I was hoping
it was a shower present.

302
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:43,483
Since those selfish hostage
girls ruined my special day.

303
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:47,487
Oh, man. I didn't
even get a freakin' ribbon hat.

304
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,657
Do you want the tube top
i made out of the police tape?

305
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,126
I'm calling it a tape top.

306
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,262
Patent pending.

307
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,396
Come on, you guys.

308
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:57,931
This isn't about us.

309
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,566
We need to put this
all in perspective.

310
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:02,135
We're all safe,
and healthy, and...

311
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,271
Oh, my god, just when
i can't take anymore,

312
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,539
here comes anymore.

313
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,442
"We are returning the remainder
of your t-shirt stock.

314
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,145
"Our Rodney brand cannot be
associated with a product

315
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,415
"at the center of an ongoing
criminal investigation.

316
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,018
Consider our contract
null and void."

317
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:20,420
This is so shocking.

318
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:24,024
Max, you can read?

319
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:29,562
So you just didn't want to tell
people the specials.

320
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,098
I can't believe this.

321
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,608
We waited so long
for something to happen

322
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,334
to our cupcake t-shirts.

323
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,702
Why that guy?

324
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,046
And on the one day
he chooses to not wear

325
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,572
his "pull my finger" shirt.

326
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:42,442
(Maria)
This is Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,
reporting to you live...

327
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,077
Max, what are you doing?
They'll see us.

328
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,488
- From Max's homemade cupcakes.
- No they won't,

329
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:48,715
because call the cameras
are on han right now.

330
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,450
Can you talk a little bit
about the women

331
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,320
behind Max's homemade cupcakes?

332
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,755
Well, let's just say
Max and Caroline

333
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,358
are allergic to work,
much in the same way

334
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,293
dilbert is allergic to mondays.

335
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:03,130
[Laughs]

336
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,398
Moving on,
Maria Alonso-Gonzalez,

337
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,276
would you care to come into
the williamsburg diner,

338
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,702
6355 bedford Avenue,

339
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,538
open 8:00 A.M. till 2:00 A.M.,

340
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:15,275
for our signature drink:
The cupcake captive cosmo?

341
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:19,412
And for you gents,
the captive Cape Cod?

342
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,426
Hey, get these cupcakes
out of the garbage.

343
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:26,453
I need to make room
for han's body.

344
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:30,090
I'm keeping the head as a
warning to others who cross us.

345
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,691
We need to take back
our t-shirts' image

346
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,593
by setting up an interview
with the news.

347
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,695
And by "we," I mean you.

348
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:39,799
Look, if I learned one thing
from my time on cops,

349
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,769
it's that I can hop a fence
in three seconds flat.

350
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,138
If I learned two things,
it's that the camera

351
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,240
makes me look guilty.

352
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:50,577
Especially when it's a security
camera at banana Republic.

353
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,079
I can't do it.

354
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:53,422
The world can't know
that Caroline Channing

355
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,249
is involved in another
high-profile crime.

356
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,086
And hasn't kept up her nail
maintenance, like, at all.

357
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,487
Fine.

358
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,523
Because if I learned
three things from cops,

359
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:06,326
it's that it's best to surrender
early and not naked.

360
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,542
We really appreciate you
taking the time to talk to us.

361
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,202
If you really want to thank me,

362
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:18,205
how about I get some pixels
up over my grill?

363
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:21,808
I got some kids looking for me
and they don't need the help.

364
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:24,144
We don't have the capability
to do that.

365
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,678
This is live TV.

366
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,648
How about one of those
voice distorting machines?

367
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:32,152
You know, make my voice sound
like a fat transformer.

368
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:35,122
Um, no.

369
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,423
No problem.

370
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,358
I'll take care of that myself.

371
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,794
Been in this sitch before.

372
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,231
All right, in 3, 2...

373
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,698
Good evening.
In williamsburg...

374
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,300
Max, I'm right here,
if you need me.

375
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,102
I got this.

376
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,446
Now infamous in the shocking
"cupcake captives" story.

377
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:54,574
I'm here with the owner,
Max black.

378
00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:59,446
[Distorted]
Hi, Maria.

379
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,382
Max, how upset were you to see
that Richard Griffin

380
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:05,252
was Max's homemade cupcakes'
biggest fan?

381
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,254
[Distorted]
I was really upset.

382
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,356
Okay, hi.
Stepping in.

383
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,258
Max is clearly so upset
by all this

384
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,326
that she's lost her mind.

385
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,728
The one time
i really needed her, anyway.

386
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,230
Hi, Maria.

387
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:19,599
How will your company's
reputation recover

388
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,368
from doing business with a man

389
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:24,637
who held three women in his
apartment against their will?

390
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,806
Look, people do terrible things.

391
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:30,143
And they do them wearing shirts.

392
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:31,544
That doesn't make
the shirt evil.

393
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,746
Now, if a shirt
commits a crime, lock it up.

394
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,815
You'll get no argument from me.

395
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:40,887
[Distorted]
Should I jump back in?

396
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,256
Okay, yeah.
That's all the time we have.

397
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:44,291
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

398
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,324
[Distorted]
Thank you.

399
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,634
Caroline, thank you
for trying to throw me a shower.

400
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:58,271
I mean, we were
never really friends or close.

401
00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:00,607
And yeah, I run away when
i see you heading towards

402
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,475
the mailboxes the same time
as me...

403
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:05,478
Please stop thanking me.

404
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,514
Hey. Want to come
to our place?

405
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:09,616
Those pig feet haven't gone bad.

406
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,618
I guess.
It's hard to tell.

407
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:16,856
Yeah. The best meat's
under the toe nails.

408
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:17,889
Is it?

409
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,333
(All)
Surprise.

410
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,401
[Shouting]

411
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,237
Oh, my god, what's all this?

412
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,504
Oh, no.
I'm so surprised.

413
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,906
No, I really am this time.

414
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,409
- So am I.
- Me, too.

415
00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:37,853
Until this sausage,
i thought the grossest thing

416
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,812
I'd ever eaten was Kale.

417
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,714
Oh, my god, I can't believe it.

418
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:44,684
Could anything be
more wonderful?

419
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,220
[Laughs]

420
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,856
Max, I can't believe
you did all this.

421
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,400
I thought you came home
to do what you usually do

422
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:52,859
when you get depressed.

423
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:56,363
Get drunk and throw the finger
at people from the stoop.

424
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,598
No stoop.
But I am drunk.

425
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,533
You think I could've
done this sober?

426
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,436
I just figured, with everything
around us being so black lately,

427
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:05,372
I thought we needed
a little pink.

428
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:06,573
You're right. We did.

429
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,308
'Cause our t-shirt business
is over.

430
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:11,611
And we still have to pay off
that bank loan. Now what?

431
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,414
We'll figure something out.
We always do.

432
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,283
Hey, girls, come quick.

433
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,851
We're gonna play "guess Sophie's
favorite sex position"

434
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,788
(all)
Whoo!

435
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:25,758
It's on all fours, watching
how to get away with murder.

436
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,528
See?
I told you I was gonna win.

437
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:33,900
And it just got black again.

438
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:35,902
Yeah, real black.

439
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,704
This is wet!

440
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,306
Max, did you already eat this?

441
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,908
I told you, I don't like
a strawberry center.

442
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,511
And I am not gonna
beat myself up about it.